Getting over a breakup
Just like the weather, life is not always sunshine. Even in geographical places that are meant to have sunshine all year, they don’t. We humans are just the same – occasionally we have to weather an emotional storm and a breakup is a bad one.
A break-up is like a mini death, the death of a relationship. It can be devastating, leaving you with a cocktail of instinctive negative emotions that ravage through your mind, body and soul. Science says that there is a neurological storm going on inside your brain, which will affect the rest of your body. Think of the ‘fight or flight’ reaction. These emotions, hard wired into your human system over thousands of years, trigger your body into survival mode. The depth of pain you feel depends on your soul, that part of you that is unique to your experience, your expectations and your belief system. Scientific studies have revealed that the brain pathways that are active in a break-up are the same pathways as physical pain, and the area of reward and motivation. Tears, anger, alcohol, and fatty foods are just the start of it.
The good news is that by putting the right steps in place during a break up, your body, mind and soul will eventually rebalance and you will get to a sunnier place in your life, even if it leaves an invisible scar in your soul. Worldly human wisdom and a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience in 2017 have shown that heart can recover. To get over a romantic relationship break-up, following these tried and tested tips can help:
Take time out
Even if you were the one who initiated the break-up, give yourself space from the other person, take time for yourself. Think of the break-up as a physical injury. If someone was punching you physically, would you offer yourself up for a beating or duck? Fighting back is a bad idea – you’d be getting yourself into a war of the roses that you will regret. You are flooded with instinctive emotions, with chemicals coursing through the same pathways in your brain as physical pain. In a state of grief, anger may be triggering your body into a physical ‘fight or flight’ mode. It will take time for the emotional storm to settle. How much time it takes depends of your specific circumstances, how long you were together, how strong your feelings were at the time of breaking up. Generally, marriage counsellors say that it takes up to two years for the emotions to fade. In some cases, going silent is effective for the relationship.
Allow yourself to feel but understand that it is not rational
The instinctive emotions that you feel during a break-up are like the weather, beyond your control. Trying not to think of somebody that has got into your head and heart is like trying to push a ball full of air underwater. Thoughts will keep popping up just like the ball. The best is to give yourself some time to live with all your feelings and the random stages of grief that comes with loss from anger to acceptance. Understanding that these thoughts and feelings will fade over time can help. Realizing that however much you are tempted to keep analyzing the situation to understand what went wrong, this will not be helpful in the long run. After some reflection, you may realize that you could have changed some aspects but sometimes, with romantic feelings, it is not possible to rationalize your way out of it, whether man or woman or a ‘they’, straight or gay or both. Scientists have not found the definite answers to the workings of human desire or love. What they have found through MRI scanning, is that an orgasm lights up all areas of the brain. It’s complicated and beyond your rational comprehension. With time, fantasy and reality will rebalance. You will be able to see what did and didn’t work and whether there is a possibility of a future relationship, be it as just friends or a rekindling of the special relationship.
Follow the ‘no contact’ rule
To help you with the process of allowing your feelings and thoughts of your break-up to fade, follow the ‘no contact’ rule. If your emotions are strong, or you have been together a long time or married, you will be deluding yourself if you believe that you can be ‘just friends’. The breakup is very rarely mutual. Maybe one day, you will be friends, but the best immediate solution is no contact. ‘No contact’ includes all messaging, asking friends about your ex, social media, both ‘stalking’ your ex and posting yourself. These are just ways to try to assuage yourself with ‘crumbs’, deceiving yourself into making yourself feel better but actually, it is simply prolonging the break-up process and signaling to the world that you are ‘whipped’, still hung up on your ex in a hopeless way. Looking back, you might be embarrassed by your behavior and it certainly won’t help the relationship recover. Think of it as a physical withdrawal from chemicals, which is what a break up is: Your brain and body are feeling withdrawals from the ‘endorphins’, pain relieving hormones and ‘oxytocin’, known as the cuddle hormone.
Distract yourself
When you have the strength, distracting yourself can help. Watching films or sports, listening to music, dancing in your room or going to the gym will be a little step to take your mind and your body back to a balanced place. Often a break-up can make you angry or scared, instinctive emotions that will pump your body with adrenaline. The only way to get rid of adrenaline is to burn it off with movement: punch a cushion, dance, scream, go to the gym. Just remember that metaphor of trying to push a ball permanently under water. Like a distraction, it doesn’t work all the time. You can’t get over a break-up by always ignoring it through distraction. You have to face your feelings every so often.
Avoid avoidance with substances or your phone
We’ve all seen the memes and the movie scenes of people with a tub of ice cream in one hand, a bottle of vodka in the other and a packet of tissues on the couch. This might have a dramatic effect and not be far from the truth but understand that this is only a temporary solution which is going to make you feel even worse the next day.
Call on a support system
What can you do when the situation is unbearable? Reach out to friends, to people who respect you, who are there for you. Often, in a relationship, it is easy to get carried away with emotions, to lose balance. We humans need to talk, to interact. Set up some meetings with other people, call on a support group, go to a community activity. Scientific American has reported that psychotherapists and researchers have proved that ‘talking therapies’ do work. Therapy may not be for everyone but there is a whole body of research and common sense that indicates having a good chat to a friend makes you feel better. Humans are known to be social people. Calling on a digital group can also help. In the modern world of the internet and google, you can also find a support system.
Be kind to yourself, also known as self-care
If you are not feeling good, your world around you will not be good. It can sound selfish but if you are not in balance, you can’t be functioning in your job, in your relations with friends and family. Generally, a breakup involves a bigger circle, like a stone thrown into water, there are ripples. You, your body, mind and soul are in turmoil. Go for a massage, try something new, try a new food. All of these activities will help your mind and body replace the loss of those chemicals, endorphins and oxytocin that you have been used to through companionship and touch from your relationship. Build up your self-esteem, which has taken a hit with the break-up, that is what people mean when they say to you ‘be kind to yourself’ or ‘if you are not happy, those around you are not happy.
Pick yourself up and dust yourself off
Harder said than done. It will take time for you to trust again. Think of a child who has fallen off a bicycle. You would tell them to try again. ‘Circular dating’ is a catch phrase in relationship counseling. It means having the courage to try again and choosing to go out on dates with different people. You may need a helping hand along the way.
About Balance 2020
We believe that break ups trigger instinctive emotions, which are like the weather, beyond your conscious control. For a balanced life, the first step is to understand human instinctive emotions, how they work and practical steps to take to avoid situations that are destructive to emotional wellbeing. Not every instinctive emotion that is acted on has positive consequences. Sometimes, it may be best to take shelter from the storm.
