This Article Contains:
Imagine that you are fuming with rage or fear. Your emotions are boiling so hot, you are not quite sure which one you are feeling. Your spouse forgot your anniversary, your friend mistreated you again, you’ve just broken off your romantic relationship, your boss has bullied you.
Whatever the situation is that sets off your emotional turmoil, the silent treatment can be a common response to conflict. Science says in a new study that, whether termed the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, no contact, it is a human relations strategy that tends to be similar across cultures. There is also significant scientific evidence that being socially excluded, of which the ‘no contact’ is a version, actually hurts physically as well as emotionally. It’s a behaviour which could be abusive to the other person and should be used in the right circumstances.
Generally, the ‘no contact’ silent treatment is the best course of action after a romantic break-up or when you really feel that relations with a friend or at work have reached a point of no return. ‘Ghosting’, which means going silent or breaking off contact within a partnership without explanation is veering more towards passive aggressive behaviour and can be abusive to the other person. Clearly, at work, it is more difficult to use the ‘no contact’ rule until you have found an alternative place of work or an official solution to the conflict has been found, e.g moving departments or teams.
How does no contact help after a break-up?
Breaking a habit is hard to do, which is one part of breaking off a romantic, sexual relationship with another person. Emotions are high, the break-up may not be voluntary on one side.
You both get space to think and feel
It can be a very difficult time in which you need space to come to terms with your emotions, not only in mind but also in body. You get a moment to reflect on how the relationship went, whether you can learn something, whether it is a relationship worth fighting for, how it feels to live without the other person.
Your brain chemicals need to rebalance
Sex, cuddling, exciting discoveries all fuel the happy chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin, or dopamine in the reward system. Breaking up creates a sudden withdrawal of the activities you used to do which supported the release of these chemicals. It will take a while for your brain to readjust.
You are not friends and won’t be for a while.
It’s only in rare cases that the relationship has become so emotionless that it is easy to be ‘just friends’. For most people that won’t work for a long time and ‘no contact’ or minimal contact for kids is the best way forward.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder (or not)
If you are hoping to get your ex back, a period of ‘no contact’ can help excite the relationship again. Humans feel pain when ostracized and are naturally curious. Suddenly not knowing what the other half is doing can rekindle feelings that have gone stale or been taken for granted. The withdraw-pursue dynamic takes off again. It does not always work. Research in our chatrooms indicates that in over half the cases, a break-up remains permanent, despite the silent treatment.
You are empowering yourself and finding your own balance.
The silent treatment doesn’t work long term if it is only being used as an emotional manipulation technique. It is important for you to take the time to look at your own emotions, find your own purpose. By doing that, you are also giving out the message that you are OK, it is not easy to set you off balance, which can be attractive.
When is the ‘silent’ treatment abusive?
There is a fine line between going quiet because you need your own space to work out your feelings and passive aggressive tactics.
Passive Aggressive
Understand that if you go silent on someone, there is a risk that they will walk away leaving you in eternal silence. Passive aggressive behaviour is when a person avoids direct confrontation, resists requests through avoidance. Not expressing your feelings, resisting through silence and pretending everything is fine can become toxic as resentment builds up. Alternatively, going silent or ostracizing someone who loves you can be hurtful without explaining why you need space. As humans we all look for appreciation and approval.
Silence as punishment
Going silent on someone close to you simply to express your displeasure without communicating what they have done is a manipulative power move.
Post trauma detachment style
Some people may have grown up with emotional abuse and have developed an avoidance detachment style. Their pain avoidance style may be so deeply ingrained that they are not aware that they are doing it and possibly passing on difficulties into their relationship.
What does the ‘silent’ treatment do to relationships?
In good relationships, you need good communication and trust.
Resentment –Keeping silent on negative emotions that are arising within you builds resentment. If your partner feels that they are always apologising unfairly or having to modify their behaviour
Trust breaks if your partner is given the silent treatment regurlarly, it hurts and they start to lose trust that they won’t be hurt again and withdraw.
How to respond to the ‘silent treatment’ ?
The ‘silent treatment’ or no contact is very common in human relations. As mentioned above, it is a strongly recommended strategy for break-ups. There are several ways in which you can respond:
- The first step in any difficult emotional situation is to establish your own emotional intelligence, how the situation makes you feel. Have you mastered your own emotions enough to understand the other person?
- The second step it to try to understand the other person’s motivation. Do they need space to establish how they are feeling? Do they not have the tools to communicate? Is this a final break-up, end of the relationship ‘silent treatment’.
- The third step is when and if both people are emotionally calm enough to engage with each other, to remember not to indulge in the blame game, to talk in terms of ‘I’, to work on setting boundaries.
