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In today’s digital world, finding sex has never been easier and the definition of affairs has changed. Is it sexting? Is it an emotional affair, found with a connection at work, a hobby in common, over chatting on messenger or in chat rooms? Is it a physical affair, found with paid sex or simply a hook up? Or is it the most humanly complicated and most dangerous to a marriage, where instinctive body and mind feelings meet in the emotion of desire both physical and intellectual? There are seven types of affairs and each one will have a different effect on a marriage. Affairs have never been so easy to find nor so difficult to hide.
Generally, in most societies and religions, an affair is a taboo and yet having an affair is common. As long as humankind has had marriage, there have been affairs. If Esther Parel’s TED talk on infidelity, watched by over 20 million people, is anything to go by, affairs are fascinating. She cites that estimates vary wildly from 26 percent to 75 percent, depending on how you define an affair. Some cultures, like the French have a reputation for their tolerance of affairs.
The French are not the most unfaithful nation
France may have a reputation for love stories but according to data from a Durex study, the Thais are the most unfaithful nation with over half admitting to having had an affair. The second most adulterous nation are the Danes, followed by the Italians and then the Germans and then French.
Why do affairs happen in good marriages?
Even in a good marriage, it is difficult to live up to the romantic ideal and desire dies in daily life. Desire is an instinctive human emotion that cannot, by its very nature, always be at high levels in body and mind. An affair is about the forbidden and an unfulfilled desire. In scientific terms, our minds and bodies have ‘Hedonic Adaptation’, which means that after something good happening which creates a positive feeling, the feeling goes back to baseline after a time. A study by Lucas et al has shown that this happens in marriages. In today’s society, marriage is no longer about settling into an economic partnership with clear roles. Both partners settle less and expect their partner to fulfill so many roles from lover to friend to hobby buddy. In a world of living longer and many monogamous relationships, the sense of self and entitlement to happiness is beginning to override duty.
Without active input and a specific belief system in your soul, it is humanly difficult to sustain commitment to a marriage. The classic cliché of a ‘mid-life crisis’ is often a trigger for an affair or a life changing jolt such as the death of someone close, illness that triggers the thoughts of mortality or financial and business difficulties. Affairs happen at all ages, all the time, even in ‘good’ relationships.
Why are affairs good?
An affair can be good, it makes you feel alive as it touches on so many instinctive emotions: the fear of being caught out and losing everything, a deep desire for another, moral disgust at oneself, anger at being blocked in a pursuit of happiness. Your mind and body are alive with a cocktail of chemicals from adrenaline to endorphins. Literary authors and scientists agree that it is your brain that is the biggest sex organ in your body. Simply imagining that forbidden kiss can give you a sexual frisson and sense of excitement. An affair, if found out, can also be good as it will shake up a marriage that has gone stale and propel it into a new phase. If the guilty party is able to show remorse, this helps in healing the aggrieved partner and the fear of loss can reignite desire in the couple. Often, time is taken to have honest conversations that have not been had for years. If however, the marriage has gone stale, and betrayal happens in other ways such as contempt, lack of admiration and appreciation, then an affair can be a good emotional signpost to activate change.
How affairs change you – the gender gap is closing
Affairs focus your perspective. An instinctive emotion desire is reawakened in your body, mind and soul. Most of the time, people are simply living life on automatic without emotional awareness, not knowing what they are doing. Most people say that an affair makes them feel alive but it also focuses the mind on their belief systems, raises questions on how they want to move forward in their lives. Many men talk of the ‘irrational’ drive towards an affair in conflict with the rational thinking about their family and duty. Women talk of loneliness, fulfilling a sexual or romantic need without harming the family structure. Though the traditional view maybe that men are far more likely to cheat, the gender gap is narrowing and both men and women tend to cheat and cite similar reasons: lack of emotional fulfilment, boredom, sexual variety, dissatisfaction in the relationship and the need to boost esteem. An affair can fulfill many of those needs and it is not always sexually driven and often more about discovering a part of you that had been forgotten. Depending on the type of affair, it can change you by giving you the emotions that will drive you to take action, which can either be re-kindling or leaving your marriage.
What are the different types of affairs?
Affairs vary in definition and type and these can be both culturally and individually driven. Some consider a one-night stand or paid sex to be simply a biological act that has no impact on a marriage whereas others use the logic that if you are getting everything at home, there is no need to stray. Affairs are often a combination of one or two types and may evolve from one to another.
Accidental Affair
You have no intention of having an affair. It simply happens, out of impulsive action, perhaps when away on a business trip, or drunk at a party. There are no underlying problems in your marriage. Maybe your social circle have been talking about sex and you are simply curious. You often feel guilty but it is swiftly over and your marriage goes back to normal.
The Emotional Affair
There’s intimacy but no sex in an ‘emotional affair’. The relationship often mimics a romantic relationship, providing an emotional attachment and mental stimulation that can be exciting. You can justify it to yourself as ‘doing nothing wrong’ and is easier to do in these times of texting, hidden in smart phones. Friendships with the opposite sex are healthy even when married. It is when the ‘friendship’ is hidden and becomes more intimate or there is a flirty, sexual angle that it becomes an emotional affair that will affect the trust levels in a marriage. You may be feeling emotionally unfulfilled in your marriage or simply avoiding conflict. It can develop into a physical affair or last for years with no consummation. It can be dangerous as it takes time and energy away from your marriage, erode trust and psychologically hurt your partner. Depending on the state of your marriage, it can be a sign for a break up.
Avoidance Affair
You might be the type who hates conflict. You might not be happy with the status quo in your home but you are loathe to face the drama of doing something about it or avoid intimacy by arguing. It is a truth you don’t wish to face and you set up a separate life with an affair partner. It can be complicated, managing two lives. If found out, the hurt from betrayal for your partner is the same as any other affair. You might want to have a look at how you engage in relationships or talk to a professional.
Philanderer/Philanderesse
Philanderers or philanderesse are more interested in the pursuit and conquest, the romantic feeling, the dopamine and endorphin high from a sexual conquest. Historically and predominantly a male domain, these affairs can simply be seen as ‘womanising’. Some define these affairs as power seeking affirmation of male dominance. Female philanderers pursue sexual conquests with the same avidity, may not be married but may be bitter towards men. Unless the partner sees the situation as ‘sexual addiction’ and both partners are willing to work on it, there is not much hope of marriage survival.
Entitlement Affair
Marriage for many people is no longer about a financial dependence and entitlement to happiness comes over servitude to duty. In some cases entitlement has becoming extreme, almost narcissistic. In this type of affair, one partner acts as if it is their right to have an affair. Within the marriage, one side wants closeness whereas the other side creates arguments to create distance. The marriage is unhappy but might be held together for other reasons, like public image and the third party is tolerated. Often the marriage fails.
Romantic Affair
You have an emotional and physical attraction to your affair partner but you are torn between the loyal and stable partner and the romanticism of falling in love again. You may have your own personal crisis or are at a turning point in your life such as having children, parents dying, business not going well and the romantic affair is a way of distracting you. Sometimes, the affair partner is an extreme change, much younger or much older with even more problems than you. The affair is charged with emotion and can lead to divorce, heart attacks, irrational and destructive behaviour. It is difficult for a marriage to survive the drama.
Exit Affair
Sometimes falling into a romantic affair evolves into an exit affair. This is the affair that motivates you to leave your marriage. You have made the decision and no amount of counselling or persuasion will help save the marriage.
Can affairs be true love?
In some cases, you meet someone to whom you are extremely physically attracted and find an emotional and intellectual connection. In any other circumstances, you would find this to be true love but you are married and committed to someone else. An affair is something exciting and new but also a betrayal of your commitment, which will hurt another person. It is important to be emotionally aware and look into the depth of feelings on both sides before you can say to yourself that the affair is true love. Received wisdom says that men tend not to leave their family homes and yet divorces happen. A badly managed affair can create emotional damage on all sides and may not turn into true love.
